To be considered for 'file fourteen,' (removal) all material should
meet a minimum of one of the following criteria:
• Unsightly appearance (dull or poor construction, bland cover
design, and/or internal graffiti)
• Degradation (mildew, mold, crust, goo, slime, and any other
such similar condition that leads to a state of "ol' book stink")
• Circulation dirth (books with zero circulation in the past
ten years)
• Title beginning with 'Post-modern' or 'Neo-...' and ending
with '...Studies'*
• billionaire autobiography with billionaire pictured on cover
smiling (viz. Sam Walton, Ray Kroc, Ted Turner, Donald Trump, etc.)
Deselection Protocal
Once selected, the process for deselection is as follows:
1. pick up book
2. go to the nearest commercial dumpster (if your library lacks
one, you may locate one at any fast food establishment under the
pretense of going to the 'drive through.' Warning: Do not actually
order food as you will be supporting a captialistic conglomerate
waste industry contributing to landfill saturation, deforestation,
poor land management, and the deterioration of American public health--besides
the food is really really bad)
3. 'secure the perimeter' (i.e. make sure no one sees you)
4. carefully check material for any valuables (viz. bills, checks,
joints, coupons, etc.) and remove
5. perform the eulogy or diatribe whichever is required
6. fling book into receptacle (technique: over-hand for dumpsters,
under-hand for cans)
7. flee from scene (mad laugh optional)
