Breaking news!
Dave obtains secret UPUL (universal peoplehood of upstanding librarians) Document outlining Worldwide library policy entitled;

Patron Relations Scenarios;

Aberrant Behavior:
Emotionally Disturbed Persons
Do not approach the person; follow them.

Lonely, Possessive / Helpless Persons
Do not let such persons monopolize your time.

Persons Suspected of Being under the Influence of Alcohol/Drugs
Be discreet, keep a safe distance. See if they leave any behind.

Criminal Behavior:
Panhandling / Soliciting / Petitioning A violation of University policy; Ask for bribe.

Possession of a Weapon
Do not provoke a confrontation;run like hell or alert all staff immediately.

Sex Offenses
Follow General Guidelines; alert all staff immediately… or not.

Telephone Harassment
Hang up immediately; if caller persists, see Humor section of Library.

Trespassing
Get backup from a colleague; give verbal warning; if ignored, run like hell, (see Biblical section).

Vandalism
Do not talk to, detain, or follow the person; be observant and give accurate description to Public Safety or Library Security…. Ha ha ha ha ha

Disruptive Behavior:

Demonstrations / Pranks
If brief and harmless, do not interfere; if longer and organized, head for the water cannon.

Eating / Drinking
Give verbal warning; if ignored, set fire to their table.

Irate/Abusive Behavior
Evaluate the situation; identify yourself as a staff member; give verbal warning; if ignored become Irate and Abusive.

Sleeping
Evaluate the situation; identify yourself as a staff member; give verbal warning; if ignored, shake to ensure their alive.

Talking/Socializing
Evaluate the situation; identify yourself as a staff member; then tell them if you “don’t get a social life, why should they?”

Emergency Procedures

Introduction

Bomb Threat
Don’t get unbound; evacuate Library if instructed to do so by security/police; If not, take care of yourself, do not lock Library, it takes too much time.

Earthquake
Watch for falling objects; do not move injured persons unless in immediate danger, (see; religion)

Evacuation Procedures
Leave quickly through the closest exit. Really…. No kidding…DUH!

Fire
Activate nearest alarm; follow General Guidelines; evacuate Library; do not lock Library.

Power Outage
Turn off lights… just kidding; proceed cautiously to an area with emergency lights. Oooghhh, that’s a good one.

Suspicious Letter or Package
Do not open the package. Call Security. Book bombs are the librarians enemy. Book terrorists are sneaky. Be ever vigil.

Tornado
Move away from windows and toward interior corridors; be guided by Security…? Security?... ok just get to the basement.